hell oh! kitty

a las personas de bata blanca les hace falta credibilidad. No te creo Milgram.

Coldest nap

All I wanted as a… what did I want…? Now that I think of it, I just can’t remember, I just don’t know; what I want or what I need are now questions to be answered. Why me? Why not he or she? Why not everyone? Who am I to deserve this? Some may consider it a threat, but not me. That evening I knew that what had happened in that strange corridor was no longer a fantasy or my imagination.

All I can remember, I just don’t want to, but I must say that despite the consequences, running away always seemed to me a great idea. Who would ever notice my absence? No one had ever noticed me so why would they care now. Every part of body was drained with sweat, I was nervous but I was finally free and from that moment all I ever wished I had was in my hands. Every hope, every dream, every bead of sweat was worth my life and from that instant it was worth my happiness.

A tiny pill in my hand -that’s 9 inches from my eyes, from my future- nine inches, that was the longest distance I had ever walked, ran, or flight in my entire life and regardless the closeness of my fantasy/reality and regardless the fact that I didn’t even had to actually walk, run or fly, it took me a long time to decide whether I was doing right or wrong. It is fun now that I think of it, when you have passed through all I have passed you are no longer someone who can tell what is right and what is wrong, perhaps you just lose the ability or possibly you never even had it.

My fantasy/reality all in a pill was now inside, I was inside, inside that horrid corridor I had always feared, the corridor of my memory, meanwhile aubergine dreams and gold flowers bloomed around the corridor, it was not as horrible then, the pill was never more my fantasy/ reality but had completely turned into my reality and I was definitely enjoying it.

Happiness in my life had never ever lasted more than 5 minutes, why would this happiness be longer?… never thought of that, never want to remember a thing again, all I can recall is my body alone, as usual, cold, as usual and ugly, as usual. Where did I go? Where did my pill go? Where did my fantasy/reality dreams and hopes go? They are all dead just like me. They vanished in the air like when you wake up from the coldest nap in a disastrous evening.

There's food in my throat

... again

Despues de un fuerte golpe...

Me desperté silenciosamente en esa fría habitación. Tú no estabas, no podía verte. Supuse, en mi enojo, que estarías detrás de esa puerta, lejos, muy lejos, a solo unos pasos de mí. La abrí y camine hacia a ti pensando en lo que te diría y como haría que mis palabras sonaran elegantemente insultantes. Me acerque y te pregunte que estabas haciendo aun cuando sabía bien que era lo que me robaba tu atención. Tenía rabia, me enoje y te reclame por no estar ahí conmigo, a mi lado, mientras dormía.

Con tu cara de preocupación entendí, mire tus ojos y comprendí.

Baje mi cabeza y te dije que no importaba, que me ignoraras y que te amaba. Regresaste y preguntaste un poco inquieto, te pedí que no lo hicieras, insististe, te conté. Te dije que la del problema era yo, que no debía reprocharte por mis asuntos, que la que no podía estar ni un segundo sin ti era yo, que no debía importarte, que te amo y que no me importa que no me ames tanto como yo a ti.

en fin, te amo.